I’m not really very subtle, but I will give this a try. I’ve been known to be sarcastic but mostly, frank – it is more appropriate. Sorry if it’s not too subtle.
Note: This is fiction… I’m not really insulting anyone.. not yet anyway! bwahahahahah!
It is a pleasure to be here tonight, considering how Mr. Cocky is such a cheapo. Thanks for the roast pig, my dear… sumptuous… very oily. You know I’m vegan, right?
Mrs. _______ had been through a lot. We went through a lot, and she grew up to be a strong independent woman. Mr. Cocky on the other hand, had life handed to him on a silver platter. He hadn’t stretched his legs, hasn’t worked a day in his life, and he’s a mama’s boy. Just an observation… no offense meant.
Anyway, I remember the time when he told us his story while still studying English. They had this oral presentation where the teacher would ask them questions, etc. The teacher asked him if he’d done his assignment. He must’ve been dazed because he didn’t understand the question, so he asked around, looked at his classmates and murmur in Tagalog, saying “Ano daw?” (In English, what was the question?) The teacher noticed it and asked him again “Did you or did you not?”… he confidently said “Did you.” Oh dear Lord.. did we burst out laughing.
I can’t buy him a hat because of his big head… literally and metaphorically. He would also make romantic gestures, like dinner outside – and by outside, meaning their backyard. Told you, he’s a cheapo.
Thank you for inviting the leghorns (my term for the bitches) and for including them in the entourage. What did you call them again? Oh right, bootylicious… couldn’t get it out of my head, can I? I still remember the time you, Mr. Cocky, got drunk and hit on all the posts that wore skirts. You even made out with, what was HIS name? *wink* *wink*. Thanks for the $500 you paid for my silence… Oopss, Sorry?! My bad.
Well, as much as I hate your guts and wanted to kick your sorry ass, she loves you so much… here’s the best to both you…. and don’t worry, my axe is always sharp.
To the bride and groom.