LET GO AND LET GOD
24 April 2016
Few years ago, I was undergoing through one of life’s many challenges. I felt trapped, unhappy, unappreciated, taken for granted… in short, hopeless. For months and days, I went thru my day like a zombie. Just going through it, nothing else. In a way, I was depressed and vulnerable. I isolate myself from my friends and family. I kept to myself and just don’t want to share.
You see, for a long time, I thought I was inadequate. I thought I wasn’t enough. I thought I need to change.
True, we all feel that way sometimes… but is that what we really are? Is that who we are?
I had been in a relationship where I feel I was inadequate. I can’t measure up to their picture of perfection. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t enough. I care more of what others think of me than I admit. It bothers me when I don’t see them happy. I’m a people-pleaser.
I thought dumbing myself down would help them keep up. I thought that if I slow down or lower my standard, they’ll see that I wasn’t so hard to reach. That I am approachable and reachable. I ignored compliments, thinking I don’t deserve them.
I have been told, on numerous occasions that someone is prettier than me, I was too fat, and I’m not smart. My ambitions are too high, it’s unattainable. It’s impossible. I will never make it.
As a result, I did not pursue my goals. I became stagnant. I didn’t grow. The things I do were routine and repetitive. No purpose. It felt nothing. I was going through life, day in and out.
So many times, I have compared myself to others. Pursuing my dreams is wrong, I won’t make it anyway. Instead of pulling others to reach our goals, they’ve pulled me down to emptiness.
I became numb, unhappy and unsatisfied. I thought going through all those would be worth it… it would be a compromise, a sacrifice. I held on to people who I thought, would see my worth as well as their potential. I fought so hard to be what they want me to be. But I lost myself. It wasn’t me. I always knew I deserve better, I can do better, and I can be better.
I prayed so hard for a suitable reply on a prayer I already knew the answer, but wasn’t prepared to accept. I prayed and cried for days and nights for the joy to come back to me. I felt I didn’t serve a purpose.
I don’t want to give up so I held on tightly to what’s keeping me unhappy. I don’t know how I got through it but I know God was there. I remembered praying for His will to be done and I surrender it all to Him. I heard him clearly said “Let go” and when I did, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder and I was at peace. He then let me rest.
When I finally let go of what was weighing me down, I finally accepted who I am and my flaws. I stopped listening to people who pull me down instead of lifting me up. I stopped listening to the voices in my head that says I wasn’t enough. I paused and thought, why should I listen to them?
I let go of toxic relationships and I felt free. I opened myself to new possibilities and it is infinite. My dreams, goals, and purpose are suddenly within my reach. I am chasing God and He is leading me to where He wants me to be.
I am still praying for direction but I am not worried anymore. I maybe alone in my journey but I don’t feel lonely for God is with me.
Now, I tell myself I am enough, I am adequate and I am a perfect combination. I am just right in the sight of God. I will still go through life’s challenges but I feel more courageous. I would probably be on my own most of the time. God is preparing me for my journey.
Who needs a relationship when you’re happy by yourself?